The expectation of reality -a life update

Healing and patience,

Those are my main life words ever since I was brought up to this world,

they’re not rare though, we all need them both, they are intricate yet inherent to us.

I don’t wanna wave goodbye to 2017 just yet, or my 25s, although I wish I did just since this year started unfortunately, but I won’t, all I can say is that so far my friend Mila’s horoscope predictions for my sign have been ultimately true, it has been my year, yet not at all how I pictured it: expectations.

My therapy process has been going all right, a bit slow and sometimes more often tedious, pointless, but I have been making a lot (A LOT) of progress, and that is a checkpoint in my agenda. My psychologist really tries hard to de-understand me per se, I know I’m a complicated sensitive (drama mess?) person, but it ain’t hard for me to open up to people that share that feeling of trust with me, yeah she’s trustworthy like all therapists should be, but she gave me the feeling of comfort and home since I met her.

I think that sometimes going to therapy makes you really question all those feeling you seek advice and help for, not just in an internal and as the point of treatment sense, also within everything that surrounds you, you know what I mean?, you still face those issues while the treatment is happening, a sort of in momentum you experience that leads you to -if all things work- healing. For instance; I still feel a certain rejection from everyone including my therapist when I open up to my emotions and be me, I feel she’s another person I’m letting down or boring to, the cost of being sensitive really pays off but I try to overcome that, how?:

realizing that not everything I think has an effect outside of me, and vice-versa, just letting go of those negative emotions truly helps and forces me to move on from my dramatic sensibility towards life’s situations. Honestly, when you face the fact that not everything around you is here to hurt you or done on purpose life really rewards you with carefree thoughts and expressions. A huge learning for me.

So yeah, I guess we live in an era of “complaint”, but behind that propaganda of how millennials are never satisfied, etc, etc (queue Charlie Brown teacher blah blah), there’s a certain preoccupation for our subjectivity, not to be confused with individualism although both seem to be happening now at the same time. People are concerned for their well being in a more organic way, I hope this is true because that’s just how I imagine everyone else feels according to my intuition. I’m aware of my preoccupations about my life’s expectancy but also about the reality of my state of mind; I wanna be better, I want to be balanced enough to succeed at the small goals I have in mind. But we gotta move higher than that episode as well you know? so in comes the feeling grateful for the things life gives us, good and bad.

To some it may be strange how I’m just now realizing these things, but I guess one never stops learning and re-learning about gratitude, patience, pain and effort, strength, it’s all cyclical to me. I guess the best emotions, the ones that teach us the most, always tend to come and go. I’ve been grateful always for the life I’ve been given, the situations my parents endured for us, the changes in my life since childhood. But now I’m learning to be grateful truly grateful for everything that I, as a whole independent self, have been through. I’m also grateful for the experiences life has chosen for me, all the mistakes and failures, the broken hearts and sadness, but also the good because it helps me notice how small my difficulties have been in comparison to others, they help me understand that I too, despite everything I’ve been through and against all my life, can help others in need.

I still gotta learn to face my fears and stored anger, but there are also moments in my life (most sad and disappointing) that I choose to save in me forever, we gotta understand that these experiences can also be kept inside us, not to bring us any more pain, but to help us see the vast nuances and shades of light our inner world keeps ever so dearly inside; we’re definitely not perfect and we gotta have some shade and light: reality.

I must be speaking out of my brains here, sorry for that, it’s necessary to externalize thoughts, for this gives us a comforting feeling of courage and catharsis which I love. But I haven’t been seeing my psychologist only, oh lord I’ve been full throttle on my self this year, I discovered that a psychiatrist can help too, what do ya know. Despite my mom’s fear of “pill dependency” or those “edgy treatments” people tend to fear the most, it surprised me too to see how good it is to risk tradition and try new help methods, so I started anxiety and depression meds just about 4 months ago. They’re not the strongest in the market, and they definitely help pretty much anyone, meaning you don’t have to be terminally depressed or really ill to take them, although a doctor’s diagnose and prescription is necessary obv. So yeah, route 2 is also going great and I hope to finish the treatment soon enough and feel better.

We’re creatures of mistakes and so many decisions, we’re all just here to learn, as I was talking about “keeping things inside of you no matter how bad they are” I too sometimes wish I could tell someone, other than my therapists, the experiences and people that have led me to this path today, if you’d knew how bad it has been and the things I realized, the reality of them all, I’m sure you’d understand; needless to say I’ve been healing not only me but the people I’ve been affected by as well.

So, what has yet to be done after all this house renewal? to wait. Be patient, breathe, hang in there, heal and learn. And I’m not stressed by all of this at all, I’m grateful for everything because I wouldn’t be facing my true self if it weren’t for all; I wouldn’t be in the path of letting go of my overly sensitive and too self aware side towards world appreciation. There is hope after all ❤

Today is World Elephant Day and lord I wish I was aware of my own life right now to help in any way, elephants are by far my favorite creatures in all species, I’d quite honestly give my life for them if I could. So raise awareness folks, I guess we all have a bit of an elephant soul inside of us.

“The question is, are we happy to suppose that our grandchildren may never be able to see an elephant except in a picture book?” -David Attenborough.