“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”
Emotional adaptation. A set of steps towards persistence of memory.
Yesterday, I experienced grief in two ways, the passing of my closest old uncle, and the passing of being in a relationship to being alone.
As I sat next to my mother, while she was weeping for our uncle, I couldn’t understand my own feelings, I felt it all in absurd silence, in a room full of people crying for one human being gone, I sat there trying to understand my brain, to cry for my uncle, realizing that he was gone lord knows to a better place, realizing this same funeral house is the same as the one where a wake was held for one of my youngest best friends, realizing I was alone now, my relationship that once was so full of laughter and love today was over.
It doesn’t matter what is more important, that’s not what mattered at least until today, I felt it all in silence, holding back tears and confusion, that is where I understood how grief works in different ways.
The psychological aspect behind the meaning of Grief and grieving is one I do not wish to further myself into at the moment, I’ve studied it many times in the past and we can all google it, pretty simple task, getting over things that cause us pain should be the same, right?, just finding out its meaning, googling the answers like WikiHow, and there, you got yourself over it. Maybe one day we’ll be witty enough to block feelings anytime.
Everyday I tell myself to move on from anything that hurts and holds me back, even if I must move on from it all by crying, because crying tends to help, but never self-pity because I believe that is the one true thing keeping us from moving forward.
As I said goodbye to my uncle I remembered saying goodbye to my dear friend that passed away, letting go of someone who was just here so alive and trying to make it out of their own issues to never seeing them smile again. And on the other hand, letting go of someone who was your best friend, your soul mate and the only company I had in my confused life, to say goodbye in those two ways, but this last one was the one I felt most angry and incapable of doing anything about, the feelings are so fresh. To have someone beside you, and all of a sudden the next day they’re gone, how can I manage to understand my feelings now?. Patience, the one thing I never developed in me, but time only makes it harder, and I don’t even have to use it that often, but the challenges my life faces all involve patience more than any other form of “state of mind”.
Grief, the long and hardest goodbyes, pain, patience, these type of human experiences/emotions are the ones that keep us up at night the most, showing us the “true” reality of the life we are living right here and now, pushing us forward or making us stop, but all in all challenging our toughest side and our strongest heart into moving on and letting go.