I have been struggling with my own mind trying to find the right time to write, to know what to write, and how. But the more I question these things, the more I bother my “inspiration” and self-doubt. And though they make it look easy, in the newspapers, social websites, other blogs, videos, etc., my motivation feels “torn” between wanting to do this, having the passion to do it, and being -not really sure how-.
We all find ourselves in this situation I believe, but do we talk about it then or we keep quiet and offer advice later on, when we have found our place on the page and the motion of our words flowing in it?
No, this isn’t an “I feel sorry for my lack of skills and my insecure writer’s block head” kind of note, it’s just another reminder to see (both of us) where I am right now and where I want to take this project to after.
I read these articles, short essays and video essays about such inspiring subjects, and all of them in a way, show me a current of style where all of them ride, and I don’t believe they all have the same ideal inspiration for writing, they all must struggle sometimes I’m sure, but don’t they all look so wise from below? So dedicated to their hobbies or jobs, and eventually turning them into lifestyles.
I tell myself “that is the current I want to ride, those are the styles I want to achieve at some point, and later on make a living out of that or just a plain good hobby”.
But do I really want to be what I admire in others? That becomes comparison in my head.
Comparison is fine at first, it makes you think about where you as a “You” are standing, it is like a mirror, but a two way mirror when you look close enough, it starts to show another shape, another face, colors, movements, gestures, a dark smile. And when you notice that it isn’t yours, that body behind your body, that face behind your face, that scenario behind your life, it’s like you shuffle both reflections into the one behind being the better one, yes yours is nice, but that other reflection in the mirror is nicer, it has better things, looks better and even lives better- wow, it doesn’t feel like admiration anymore, it becomes what You want in rejection to what You are (and have).
This doesn’t only occur in career situations, family issues where you compete with your brother for your mom’s attention even years after he got a job a house and a family and you still study while living with her, also in school and friends who are more popular than you, but often in our own perception of how we look. This type of comparison is common in all ages, for example, that girl that the guy you like likes, you try to picture yourself in her shoes, how it must feel, and you lie to yourself thinking that that would make you feel better, to be like her. Later on, in our ideological state of fantasies, when we realize that this will never be, the feeling becomes envy or jealousy towards that image we created of that person in comparison, now the other reflection in the mirror, the one that we believed looked far better than ourselves is a distorted image of a hatred or anger we made it be, when it once was a beautiful admiration now turns into resentment towards us and the things we love.
We have to stop comparing our bodies and minds to others, not that type of comparison, not that type of negativity that only rots the best in us and hides what is really in front of us, the only face in the mirror now sad for our rejection of it.
I find this feeling very similar to the one we have while searching for inspiration in the path of our goals in life. When I read a certain blog or newspaper article not only do I humanly understand what the article is talking about, but I see its style, the format, the way it begins and dances its way towards the end, how it catches my attention with such wit and rapidness that I almost forget that it is only another subject in this existential human life. I see myself in a horse race, where I am not competing but rather watching my fellow future companions, studying their style, how they get set and go. Like a small kid dreaming of getting himself a horse and competing with these witty racers one day.
But now I have managed to cope with this way of comparison, and juggle inspiration with it, plus learning, for the people I look up to in terms of my goals are, after all, my teachers and they offer a way of clarity towards such subjects, is there a way to hate them? Is there a way to hate that girl? I say now: NO.
Make peace with your comparisons, smile back at that second reflection in the mirror, look at it in the eyes, study its shape and patterns, but smile back and find yourself smiling back at SOMEONE ELSE, that isn’t you, YOU are YOU, and eventually one day, with courage, confidence and perseverance You will become that image that should replace the ideal ONE.
So I close my tabs and save my newspaper articles for later, I clean my mind of all signs of comparison, and behind all of it I find myself thirsty for inspiration and achieving my own goals, somewhere in between all of these chaotic feelings is pure joy, I want something, I have dreams and desires for a better me, it’s not done yet and I’m not done with making efforts in finding my style (and my endless self). Today may be slow and I might still make a goof of myself writing gibberish for ghosts, but one day these things won’t matter because I’m positive that I will find my way and succeed in it, like the one horse on that race.
Or maybe I’ll keep searching for different paths leading me to what I really should be doing, I’m all for it.